Poems

sigh
08/10/2024

What if just for a minute
I didn’t hold up the sky
What if I didn’t breathe life
Into the void
What if I put it all down
Gingerly
And I let my eyes close
My shoulders slump
My ropes unwind.

Just for a moment.

What if.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

the way we were
12/26/2023

The way your energy guided me

Pushed me, molded me, enveloped me
Folded me, unwrinkled me
Witnessed me
Released me
Became me

The way you were
So I could be
Won’t ever end

Will last

With me

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

dawn
11/01/2023

At first you
softly brush over
You tingle
You mist

I can see you
Yet I’m in the shadows
I dream the warmth
I’ve yet to feel

It’s not an even game
You reach out
I gather the chill around me
You’re open
I hesitate

You advance slowly
Your gentleness intriguing
I feel myself wonder
I allow
A little at a time
A beam here
A glimmer there

Aaaahhh

Before long
Your caress covers me whole
I’m fully lit
And deeply warm

And can’t remember the taste
Of darkness

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

spilling over
09/26/2023

I pour out
Waves of me

They coat the land

They engulf others

When loved ones move
I move

I feel their intent
I jolt with their actions

Like a reverse puppeteer
My grasp
Acts as my strings

The deeper the love
The heavier the flow

The narrow channels
Carry my essence

To pull back
To paint my fence
Is not in my power

The more I love
The more I spill

Until my loves
Reach into the world
As me

Until my self
Is but a harbor
To their journey.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

afterglow
09/05/2023

Hardened pieces
of molten lava

Once they were glowing
and flowing

They would have melted
into each other
They would have become one

Cool and crusty now
They get close sometimes

They rub their tough edges
Against each other

Maybe they’ll start a fire
Or
maybe
not

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

september
09/01/2023

The crisp, the rust,
the slow musky decay

Gently bathed in light
like honey

A knowing unraveling

Setting the stage
For the new,
so innocently cruel,
Demanding of a clean slate

A falling apart
in breathtaking beauty

Proof of the conflicting merits
Of this proud, shimmering demise

Proof that beauty is meaning

That the end
when fully assumed

is simply another season

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

tournesol
03/31/2023
(French for both sunflower and litmus)

You’re a sampler of living
A follower of the light
You are reborn each moment
And dive into the flow
Unencumbered

To see itself
The universe has fashioned you
Out of wonder
And sizzle

Present, you render the world
Through your aliveness
Through your focus
on the essence
Through your distraction
from the shallow

Unaware of your innocence
Witness of the here and now
You glow, you change hue
You face the truth,

you embody it all
By being wholly you.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

Within me without you
11/28/2022

Invisibly
Continually
Your love gave me shape

Day after day
Spinning on the wheel of time
At the mercy of circumstance
Flailing in the wind of experience
Your earthen hands
Pressed warmly
into the clay of my self-perception
Imprinting me with me
The me you saw before I recognized
The me who glimmered
with the best of you

At first I relished the touch
I felt your hands organically growing
from my still shapeless self
And little by little
Your patient molding
Led me to myself

My edges hardened
my image grew
into what you knew it could be

You slowly lightened the pressure
I pulled towards distant shores
Your soul within me
In spite of me
Your love gaze following
alongside my journey.

With the self-assurance
of well-loved youth
I embraced your faraway presence
As a guarantee
Year after year

But now
As your touch has left me
And you only come to me as light
I yearn for closeness
For the pressure
That kept me from spilling over
That guided me back into myself

My hardened edges still resemble
the one I used to be
Yet just under the surface
I’m shapeshifting daily
Seeking a familiar form
While fashioning a new self
Out of aching memories
And hot, bubbling, molten sadness.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

You grew
05/11/2022

The less you moved
The more you shimmered

As if you tried to cover the distance
You no longer could,
In tiny,
countless
micro steps
Eager vibrations around your core
You traveled
Within your diminishing frame
Held by the walls
Of your body.

Once your vessel
It now became your port

Your anchor.

But no
Not you

You were born to roam
In possibility
Freedom
Was your nature

Your sprit
Unbound
Rebelling
Your luminous gaze
Brushing the horizon
Hungry

You. Grew.

You began expanding
Until your form
No longer able to contain
Your wandering essence
Bursting at the seems
With otherworldy longings
Released you
Dissolved from around you

As you grew further
Expanded
And like a great exhale
You became ever present.

I breathe you in and out, my mother,
I carry you through my veins
As your light imbues me
I am once again inside your womb
Where I belong

This time
Never to leave.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

echo
03/04/2022

Peace comes
When you sense
In what surrounds you
The warmth
And comfort
And love
And nurturing
You crave.

The alchemy
Is simple
You learn
that you only seek
That which
you are made of

Serenity is mere recognition
Of the magic of you

Let the world
Be the lantern
That catches your
flickering yet trusty
glow
And gifts it back to you
As neverending love

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
Wind of change
03/04/2021

Like a sailboat
You start
Widening yourself
So the wind can grab you
Move you

Hanging on to precious cargo
Your thoughts, beliefs,
Memories, hopes
You welcome the push –
The changing scenery
Can look like growth

Yet
Sometimes
You long for lightness
The pressure in your sails
The restlessness
Reveal the onward
As mere frantic outward

Stillness you crave
An inner folding
Like a hug
A return to the simple
To the wireframe
To the essential

With no bulk
No baggage
No outstretched canvas
Time rushes past
Can’t grab you
Can’t force you on

The speed of living
Is all from within now
As you glide, or bob, or gently flutter

No race, no pulling at the helm
The mast becomes your beacon
Showing you to you
And you embrace your here-and-now
As the only harbor
You’ll ever need

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
Show me
11/01/2020

It needed to see
It wanted to see

But It was so close
Too close to it all

Embedded. Entangled. Engulfed.

It *was* it all
The above
The below
The within
The without

It so needed to see
It ached to take it in
Take it *all* in
But how could It

Tried to fold over itself
Tried to expand
Tried to contact
Tried to catch itself unaware
But It was awareness itself

Ahhhh
The curse
Of The All-Encompassing

Such vastness
Such endless beauty
With no way
To see Itself

It rested then
Curled within
for eternities

Until
Gently
Softly
It began to stir
And its latest creation
Began to bubble
All over

Its best impulse ever
The solution
The answer

Now it will see
Now it will revel in its own beauty
Now it will all make sense.

Somewhere,
Everywhere
Glistening eyelashes fluttered
Pupils expanded
Light rushed in

It saw
It gasped with the ecstatic relief
Of eons of an unanswered quest
It now knew

It saw and it believed
It basked in the awe taken in
Through countless eyes.
…

Indeed
I’ll be here
For It to see Itself,
Ceaselessly holding myself up
Like a mirror
Nurturing
Its neverending wonder

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
Not one thing 10/08/2020

What if there’s nothing in it for you
Not one single thing
No prize
No trophy
No claim to fame
No record
No game
No leaderboard spot
Not one such thing

What if
It’s all just a mirror
And what you hold
Is what you keep

But wait
You ask
Why then
Why all the laughter
And all the tears
The loneliness
The thrill
If in the end
It’s just the same
Why
Show up
Broken
Mended
Broken again
Why not curl up
Inside myself

The mirror
Is cloudy
The prize
Is already mine

No thing. Nothing
Is offered to you
That you don’t already have
Except this:
A pale sliver of light
Bounced back from you onto you
To quietly reveal
You to you
To round you up
And that
Turns out
Makes all the difference

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
Birth day 09/20/2019

We’re born each day
Into the hope
Unique to humans
That our journey ahead
Holds goodness
That who we become
Each time we awake
Is closer to whom we were intended to be

There are no certainties
Other than the breath we exhaled
Our latest blink
The step we just took

We leap
With unreasonable faith
Into the next moment
As if it’s real
As if it’s ours

We call the now “the present”
Brazenly accepting it as a deserved gift
When in fact
We navigate the shifting sands of time
With each new heartbeat

To best live our mortality
We learn to act immortal
Invincible
Like gods.

Oh, the outrageous audacity
Of expecting a tomorrow
Who do we think we are
In this realm
Where only the end is guaranteed?

Why plan
Expect
Assume
Devise
Revise
Win
Lose

Why, while assured to expire
We hold ourselves whole
We dare to hope
We fashion a future?

This madness
That keeps us starry-eyed
As time courses through us
Without mercy

This madness
That allows the moment
To enchant us with its honey

This madness
Is in fact
The soul-memory
Of wisdom we owned
Before time
Back when we knew
That loving life
Is enough
That to make the fleeting
Endure
We are to savor it fully
Childishly
To immerse ourselves in today
Like it means forever

As we trust It
To dry our tears
To soothe our fears
To again and again,
Envelop us with its grace,
Like the protective hand of a parent,

Eternity
does just that.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
The Cloak 01/20/2019

I tuck myself in
It’s comforting
This familiar ache.
Avoiding
The pang of joy
So tantalizing
So sweet
So dangerously close
To jagged disappointment.

My tattered, worn, soft cloak
Protects me
Keeps me distant enough
From the highs and lows.
I think I seek bliss, passion
Enchantment
Yet
I shy away from
Getting too close

I pull that old cloak
Over my heart
Over my eyes
One thin, impenetrable layer
Ensuring I don’t quite get hurt
As I don’t quite let happiness
Reach my deepest core.
Over and over
The illusion of safety
Becomes
The certainty of lukewarm living.

Enough.

I’m leaving this behind
I’ve had it.
Not worth it.
Not ever worth it.

Let me get cut by passion
Let me unravel in loss
If I have to.
There is no other way
To reach the honey
Within that bitter fruit
To lose myself
And find my heart.

Drop the guard
Shatter the walls.
Burn that cloak.
It’s a trap.
Drop
It.
Live.
All in.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
Glassy 11/24/2018

We see the world
through our own experience
limited by the turbulent lens
of our beliefs

Our expectations
Our disenchantment
Our self-pity
Our guit
Getting in the way

Morphing,
Coloring,
The shape of what is

Limiting
The expanse of what could be.

Unless
Until
Untamed
Unbound
We let ouselves go glassy.

We drop
all baggage
And in that moment
Grace takes over
fog lifts
there is no burden
there is no regret
there is no conviction

We go glassy
suddenly clear and crisp
and see through
with nothing to distort
the pure and redeeming light
of the love
that has always been within our reach.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
get unreal 2/16/2018

You look around
so keenly
intent on missing nothing
seeking patterns
inferring trends

the tyranny of reality
is subtle
yet relentless

you think you owe yourself
unbiased objectivity
your feelings rushing to reflect
the imperfection around you

you forfeit the thrill
of untainted creation
of allowing yourself
unjustified happiness

your cleverness enslaves you
to that-which-is
or even worse
to your limited perception
of what is

while all the while
you could grow wings
and soar above the drab scenery
of past disappointments
you could open your heart
with vulnerable courage
and transform the landscape of your life
through radical love
and aware defiance
of what once has been.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
the ones you are 7/13/2017

each moment
you can choose to feel
the pull
of your heart’s desire

It changes
a little or a lot
with the seasons,
with each blink

Don’t assume
Don’t get sticky
Release the rigid image
your past built of you
shake it off

look closely
anew
you are reborn
each minute
always a blank slate
for new forms of joy
don’t limit

be the willow
curve, flow, embrace

to be true to you
is to un-define
to trust
that your essence endures
as the specifics morph
to welcome the cracks
where the light gets in
to become fluid

ever changing
ever different
always true
always you

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
it’s you 7/6/2017

You reach for another
Effervescently
Passionately
Hungrily
The purple haze
of infatuation
colors perception
softens the blows
Until
unaware
you begin projecting
expecting
directing

Immersed in yourself
you ache for reflection
the others’ choices
never good enough on their own
why can’t they be more like you
act the way you would
live like the best version of you
why can’t they be you
while at the same time
surprise you
love you
crave you
as you
for you
not you
why

Cloudily we strive
to morph
the others
into what we ourselves
fail to be
disguising guilt
into blame

All along
missing the chance
to witness
the brilliance in them
their own light
their own fire
Passing by
the gift of encountering
of expanding
of reshaping

Yes
Do love yourself
as you are
as only you
are
And then
if you can
– can you –
love them
as they are
in their own right
if you will
– will you –
see their own wonder
trust them to live
their best life

Only then
you grow whole
as the reward of recognition
awaits.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
limits 6/23/2017

The freer I get
The more I push
against my own limits

Some I’ve danced with since childhood
Others, surprising, admitted just now
Though long-suspected

Their presence affected my choices
Day in day out
even if I blindly pretended
I knew nothing of them

I would like to think of myself
As expansive
Easy flowing
Happy going

Sometimes I almost act it

But then
I realize
I was merely
glimpsing through holes
in my self-imposed
cloak of doubt
the one I wish away
as I snuggle it closer

I stumble along
aching for guidance
looking within
reaching for grace
my tears hot
my voice trembling

Until my heart opens
my urgency vanishes
And I cannot utter any prayer
other than the one
that needs not be prayed.
The only one
my soul can fully embrace:
Thy Will Be Done.
~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe

no need 6/19/2017

teach them
the true meaning
of need

they grow
mistaking their wants
their unbalanced fears
their perceived shortcomings
for a void
to be filled
by otherness

their minds
are frightened
by the scarcity
they learned to assume

their hearts
constrict
in worry
that they
can never be
enough

show them
their wholeness
encourage them
to explore it
and express it:
the good
the bad
all beautiful

they are complete
they may love
they may want
yet they won’t need

others can enrich their experience
the flavor of living
often comes at the edge
between us and non-us

yes
there is a point
in reaching out
in reflecting
in opening
to their fellow
life-travelers

still
the beauty
the magic
comes
from choosing
that loving connection
and extending themselves
beyond their solitary perfection
not because
there ever is
a lack within
but simply because
of the thrill
and the adventure
of discovery

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
currency 6/11/2017

so much energy
spent worrying
about money
about words
about contracts

what you give
what you get in return

who receives more
who is short-changed

our minds locked
onto fabricated values

trinkets,
status,
relationships,

to feel we matter
we attach
to what comes our way
assigning importance
by standards not ours
not from our heart

only late
as life flows onward
as the remaining years shrink
we begin to see

the only currency
is our time
the only real gift
is our loving presence

nothing
else
matters

nothing
else
is real.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
the power of when 6/8/2017

Live in the present
they say
the past is gone
the future uncertain
revel in this slice of time
squeeze yourself in it
it’s all you’ve got, they say

my swelling heart
my bulging mind
struggle to fit
inside this moment
they rebel
against this limit
they trail their memories behind
like a comet’s tail
they throw their dreams ahead
like dragons clearing their lair

this moment is safe
indeed
there is peace in the now
without context
our fears loose their sting

but my mind and heart
keep spilling over
before and ahead
they treasure their laughter
they embrace their tears
they claim to need
this time travel
this imperfect hindsight
this illusory foresight

I won’t wake them up
from their delusion
Since I, too,
guiltily savor
this delicious torment
of being bound
to the ongoing flow,
to owning all the frames
in this flawed film
we call life.

~
©Oana Hogrefe/LoveItBe
steady now 6/2/2017

We cleave to each other
As if hanging for dear life
We entangle and mesh
Until we can’t remember
who’s who

Our edges get duller
We hurt less
We feel less
We trade the journey
of honest discovery
for the comfort
of the familiar

We feed the illusion
of fully knowing
of guaranteed connection

We neglect
the subtle shifting,
the gradual growth,
which, if celebrated,
could keep us
freshly enraptured
yet, when ignored,
takes us slowly away
from each other

Our souls are drifting
taken for granted
as our bodies
keep slow dancing
in the trance
of the mundane
deluded,
holding as true
the only
impossible
promise:
changelessness

can you
allow the pain
wash over you
without nurturing
the suffering?

the river 5/25/2017

You are standing by the river
Half of the water flows one way
and half the other way
rafts float by
you jump on one,
drift a little,
jump on another
drift the other way
further, closer
back and forth you go
carried by your mind
your worries
your conflicting thoughts

the currents of your emotions
add to the turbulence
mimic action
simulate motion
when in fact
you are still
in the same place
only troubled
out of breath
constricted
uncertain

Go back
onto the shore
stand by the river
watch the flow
allow the rafts to pass
you don’t need to join them
you are not them

You are standing by the river
inhale
exhale
savor it all
witness it
smiling
as the whole you
and nothing less

Hidden inside a cage of bones

So soft, so vulnerable

Your heart

Expands and retreats

Keeps the beat

over and over

as it breaks,

as it heals,

never the same,

still

always pure

awash in hope

ever learning

never settling

despite past despair

Such an illusion, its hardened cage

as if it can truly protect it

as if mere bones
can stand between

its incredible,
moving,
helplessness

and the unforgiving crush

of abandon

neglect

betrayal

as if ribs alone

will shelter it

from life’s storms

to which it chooses

courageously

cluelessly

innocently

to expose itself

again and again

in search

for the elusive

and always worth it

love
that
loves
back

Like the blind leading the blind
We seek to protect our heart.
We’ve been hurt before
When we offered our trust
So we withhold our raw curiosity
We deny our vulnerability
We ice our feelings.
We beat the cruel world to the punch
We kill love
Before it has the chance to die
We think ourselves
Clever
Safe
As we choose no desire
Over flawed connection
Stone
Over warm flesh
Doomed eternity
Over ephemeral ecstasy.

What is this urge
this insatiable drive
For unfolding and outcomes
of our own choosing
on our own terms
on our imposed timeline

What is this illusion
that the pit in our belly
can only be relieved
by a universal alignment
with our mind’s constructs

Haven’t we been here before?
Haven’t we received the
humbling lesson of grace
haven’t we been saved
so many times before
by our unanswered prayers
and our unfulfilled wishes?

Time after time
the bigger, brighter picture
– always revealed in hindsight –
illuminates the little corners
of our dimly lit plan
reshapes it with its blinding wisdom
returns it to us through love
as we put back together
our broken heart
and the pieces fit
in a whole new way
more inclusive
more expansive
less intent on being right
more permeable to happiness.

Haven’t
we
learned
.

We come into this body
And we begin unraveling
Our death sentence
The only guarantee.
We live it
every second
this spiral
back into the unremembered.
Even when our joy of life
takes over
for a little while
Even when our love
makes our shoulders tingle
with a hint of immortal wings
It’s still there
the sad cellular awareness
of the limited,
the constricted,
the flawed
cloak of the physical.
Yet
we’ve entered this playground
of hardened spirit
in full, unrecalled awareness
agreeing
to squeeze our light
into unforgiving hourglasses
forcing it to drip,
the end always in sight,
looming.
Why –
you ask –
Why such strain –
why contain
the uncontainable – why.

Remember
Let yourself remember
It’s here, in the imperfect jungle
of missed perceptions
It’s here
that you can truly see Yourself

beyond
that-which-ends
the piercing light of the everlasting
slays you
cracks you
smashes all that is less than love
and allows for the ultimate surrender
through and through.
A celestial a-ha.

Slurp it in
this air around you
heavy with memories
laden with expectations
Then let yourself
filter it within.
Process
assimilate
release
its heaviness
as wholly felt emotions
So when you
finally
exhale
you restore to the world around
a bit of its original purity

You move through life
Like dancers do
Steps forward, steps back,
grabbing onto others,
perfect or mismatched
Swaying on your own
Twirling with delight,
Sobbing as you crawl,
Switching partners,
Switching back.

The rhythm, the music,
Come from within
The miracle above all understanding
Is when another
Can fall in step with you
Even for a little while.

the lake
is calm

with only
an occasional ripple
light sparkles and shimmers
my eyelids
heavy
close

the warm air
with just the slightest hint
of a chill
moves around me
as I float
fully present
releasing
the what-might-be
soaking in
the only true miracle:
the ultimate, universal love
of the what-is

Can you open
Little by little
Or in bursts
While holding the shape
of the inner you?

Layer upon layer
of thought-sediment
Get bleached
by the kind yet unrelenting
blinding, revealing
light of love
some mind castles
wash away
others reveal
their truer form
I’ve been closed from my heart
for so long
pushing what is
into the mold of what I wished
Letting go now
the release
the exhale
the undoing
is immense
and frightening
and the only
possible
way
ahead

To open my darkest self
To let light burn and bleach it
To see its denied beauty
To allow it to breathe
To embrace it as me
As the me I ache to share
To be seen and loved for it
To feel passion flow
To understand that inside
that hidden chamber
Is where I held the secret key
to the unbounded joy
of recognition
That is
to me
the intimacy
I seek

The mind
Shines its light like a beacon
and all that sparkles becomes its truth
Forgetting in the process
the magic covered in darkness
no less real
no less enchanted

An open heart
stretches across it all
be it brilliance or shadow
with passionate awareness
and fearless abandon

With nothing to shrink from
Fear vanishes
And love exhales
In wonder

At my core
I find the still, clear expanse
of the imperturbable me
it shimmers and shines
it envelopes and allows
it stays ever pure
and within reach.
To remember it’s there
is to release
the sticky need
to entangle
with that which touches me in passing
Gazing within
this one-of-a-kind loop of awareness
confirms that all is well
and sets me free

Evercloser 3/3/2017

spinning faster and faster
Ever bigger, wilder, sweeter
My heart, like cotton candy
forming in the vat.
Embraced
Enriched
By the pure, glistening sugar
of your love
Spun all around it
embedded into it
Hot, persistent, fiercely holding on
Making it grow past any size
Known before.
Evercloser
Everlasting.

with the rest of me
wrapped all around it
holding on for beloved life
riding it wildly
laughing through tears
my heart
not waiting
done with waiting
took it upon itself
to gallop towards the horizon
ripping me away from confusion
and uncertainty
slicing through my doubts
not waiting
not waiting
not waiting
no longer indulging my wallowing
my questioning, my second-guessing
my heart, my open-life surgeon
grabbing the knife
of delayed, but not too-late clarity
and cutting right through the ropes
which have been tying it down for too long

I grab onto the reins and try to keep up with myself
as the love of living sweeps me forward
way too fast
too fast for my old shackles to keep up

once the heart has chosen
there really is no choice
and that awareness
is true freedom

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